{"id":14562,"date":"2019-06-17T11:26:04","date_gmt":"2019-06-17T15:26:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/?p=14562"},"modified":"2022-07-22T16:07:56","modified_gmt":"2022-07-22T20:07:56","slug":"coming-out-self-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/","title":{"rendered":"How Coming Out Helped Me Love My Body"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Everyone\u2019s path to body confidence takes different twists and turns. For some, it\u2019s finding a community<\/a> of like-minded people\u2014for others, it\u2019s flooding their Instagram feeds<\/a> with plus-size bodies and body-positive advocates. For Vanessa Friedman, the Community Editor of Autostraddle<\/a>, her journey was intrinsically connected to coming out as queer. Keep reading for Vanessa\u2019s story.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m at a queer adult summer camp<\/a> in Ojai, California, wearing a black-and-silver sparkly bikini, teaching a room full of fellow queers how to take a selfie. It\u2019s not that anyone in the room doesn\u2019t know how to hold their phone in front of their faces and click a button, of course, but this workshop\u2014titled \u201cThe Sexiest Selfie\u201d\u2014is about more than that. I\u2019m co-teaching with two other staff members and we are committed to helping campers learn about their best light and their best angles, how fun it can be to try hundreds of different poses in the privacy of your own bedroom, and most of all: the life-changing magic of finding oneself desirable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I did not always find myself desirable. The path to not only accepting my body but rejoicing in it has been long and unpredictable\u2014and it is never-ending. As my body continues to grow and change and shift throughout the days and weeks and years, many mornings, I wake up and find that I have to commit to loving my body all over again. But one thing I know for certain: Coming out as queer and learning to love my fat body are linked for me, tied up in the same space in my heart, forever intertwined.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

* * *<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a kid, I wanted to be like all the other girls I knew. Which, in my world, meant that I wanted to be very small and I wanted boys to like me. Would I have realized I was queer sooner if, while growing up, I\u2019d had more queer role models around me? Probably! Would I have learned to love my fat body sooner if, while growing up, I\u2019d had more fat women around me? Also probably! Is it a coincidence that coming out led me to loving my body? I strongly believe it is not. Learning how to love myself\u2014my whole self\u2014started with my queer identity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I didn\u2019t know I was queer until I met Emily. Looking back on my life now, it is easy to spot the crushes on girls and deep feelings I had for my friends that surpassed friendship in my childhood and teen years, but as I was living my life, my queerness did not jump out at me. Rather, I discovered it as it happened in real time\u2014I was 20, I wanted to kiss Emily, we were kissing, my whole world opened up wide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Coming out as queer and learning to love my fat body are linked for me, tied up in the same space in my heart, forever intertwined.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\"vanessa<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

It wasn\u2019t quite that easy, of course. I wanted Emily to love me and she did not. I wanted my friends and family and community to suddenly accept the queer identity that I was only just starting to understand myself and they did not. I wanted to immediately know myself\u2014to allow myself to stop second-guessing my authenticity, to stop berating myself for not being queer enough, to make space for who I actually am instead of the shame of who I thought I was supposed to be\u2014but I did not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Things changed, both slowly and quickly. Eventually, Emily would become my friend. Eventually, the people around me would accept my queerness. Eventually, I would accept that I can never fully know myself, but that doesn\u2019t mean I have to stop trying. Being queer gave me the gift of understanding that the self is not static, that we are always shifting and growing and changing and learning and creating new narratives. Coming out as queer gave me space to reject the things I had been told to want and learn how to tell new stories.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t want to say that when I came out as queer I immediately unlearned my own internalized fatphobia and started both loving my body and fighting as a fat activist because that\u2019s not how it happened at all. The story of loving my fat body takes a longer arc than discovering my queerness. One night, Emily kissed me and everything in my brain, my heart, my interior exploded and I was never the same. That\u2019s one version of my coming out story, and it\u2019s true.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I do not have that single-line version of the story about accepting my body. This tale is not as neat, not as pointed. It\u2019s happened in fits and starts\u2014the parts make up a whole.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s one story: It\u2019s June 2014 and I\u2019m skinny dipping with friends at the local swimming hole. I look around and realize I\u2019m the only one still wearing a bathing suit<\/a> bottom. I want to cover myself<\/a> and feel embarrassed about the stretch marks on my hips. I\u2019m shaven entirely bare\u2014underarms, legs, bikini line. I still think I should be small. I look around at the naked bodies in the water and realize every single one is covered in hair. I realize I\u2019m not thinking about stretch marks or smoothness on my friends\u2019 bodies\u2014I\u2019m just thinking how gorgeous they all are. I am suddenly self-conscious of my self-consciousness. I go home and throw out my razor\u2014I never shave again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I do not have that single-line version of the story about accepting my body. It\u2019s happened in fits and starts\u2014the parts make up a whole.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\"vanessa<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s another story: I\u2019m late to the queer dance party because I can\u2019t figure out what to wear. I\u2019m fatter than I have ever been and none of my clothes fit and I\u2019m nervous about my belly. Everything shows off my belly<\/a> and I feel certain I should hide it, pretend it does not exist. I\u2019m learning to love my body, but somehow loving my belly is too hard today. When I arrive at the party, I am immediately floored by a tall femme babe towering over the crowd in a skintight neon green dress\u2014her belly is highlighted by the spandex and the color and she is radiant. I do some gentle math in my head\u2014if this babe can wear a dress that highlights her belly and look amazing, maybe I can too? Maybe the secret to getting right with my bod isn\u2019t to hide it after all? Maybe queer dance parties are a place I can try out embracing my fat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s one more: I\u2019m 30 years old and I haven\u2019t picked up a fashion magazine in almost a decade. My Instagram feed is filled with fat babes getting their whole damn lives. I work as Community Editor for a queer publication that amplifies the voices of fat people and allows us to tell our own stories. My friends and I send each other selfies and compliment each other\u2019s bodies and remind each other that we\u2019re hot, that we\u2019re valid, that we\u2019re worthy. I wake up every morning and I look in the mirror and I tell myself that I\u2019m desirable. To the world at large, sure, yes, but more importantly\u2014most importantly\u2014to myself. I touch my fat body as I gaze into the mirror and I let myself feel desire, I let myself feel desired.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

* * *<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At \u201cThe Sexiest Selfie\u201d workshop at queer adult summer camp, we are about to move on from the presentation to the hands-on portion of the activity. Before we break and allow our new selfie experts to go capture themselves and bask in their glory<\/a>, the three of us teaching the class offer our own manifesto about the magic of selfies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhen we make space to look at ourselves, spend time with ourselves, photograph ourselves, and decide to enjoy what we see when we see ourselves, we are literally changing the narrative of what the world tells us is beautiful,\u201d I tell the group. It\u2019s earnest and it\u2019s overambitious and it\u2019s certainly not an overnight magic cure, but I believe it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not that being queer magically made me feel good about my fat body. It\u2019s not that the queer community is free of fatphobia. It\u2019s not that my experience as a small-fat white person is the overarching experience of everyone in queer community. It\u2019s just that for me, the act of coming out as queer gave me permission to want something different than the narrative I had been told to enact. For me, coming out as queer was the beginning of a brand-new story. And in this new story, my desires as a queer person and my desirability as a fat queer person are not only acceptable, they are celebratory. In this new story, I am entirely myself, and I am proud.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Want more stories from women in our community? Bookmark the \u201cMeet\u201d<\/a> category!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Header photo: Molly Adams<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Everyone\u2019s path to body confidence takes different twists and turns. For some, it\u2019s finding a community of like-minded people\u2014for others, it\u2019s flooding their Instagram feeds with plus-size bodies and body-positive advocates. For Vanessa Friedman, the Community Editor of Autostraddle, her journey was intrinsically connected to coming out as queer. Keep reading for Vanessa\u2019s story. I\u2019m […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":30,"featured_media":14565,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[185],"class_list":["post-14562","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nHow Coming Out Helped Me Love My Body - Dia & Co<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Vanessa Friedman, the Community Editor at Autostraddle, reflects on the intersection of her queer and fat identities.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How Coming Out Helped Me Love My Body - Dia & Co\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Vanessa Friedman, the Community Editor at Autostraddle, reflects on the intersection of her queer and fat identities.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Dia & Co\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/diaandco\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2019-06-17T15:26:04+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2022-07-22T20:07:56+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/d3mnyo7e05c2kb.cloudfront.net\/blog-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/61715638_597299020763550_3012047559417083998_n-2.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"786\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"511\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Marge Hudson\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@diaandco\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@diaandco\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Marge Hudson\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"8 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/\",\"name\":\"How Coming Out Helped Me Love My Body - Dia & Co\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/d3mnyo7e05c2kb.cloudfront.net\/blog-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/61715638_597299020763550_3012047559417083998_n-2.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2019-06-17T15:26:04+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-07-22T20:07:56+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/12fa817987a28e5e481cfbdfaa4a81de\"},\"description\":\"Vanessa Friedman, the Community Editor at Autostraddle, reflects on the intersection of her queer and fat identities.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/d3mnyo7e05c2kb.cloudfront.net\/blog-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/61715638_597299020763550_3012047559417083998_n-2.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/d3mnyo7e05c2kb.cloudfront.net\/blog-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/61715638_597299020763550_3012047559417083998_n-2.jpg\",\"width\":786,\"height\":511},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"How Coming Out Helped Me Love My Body\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/\",\"name\":\"Dia & Co\",\"description\":\"Dia & Co is the premier personal styling service for plus-size women. Try on clothes at home, keep what you like, return the rest to us!\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/12fa817987a28e5e481cfbdfaa4a81de\",\"name\":\"Marge Hudson\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"How Coming Out Helped Me Love My Body - Dia & Co","description":"Vanessa Friedman, the Community Editor at Autostraddle, reflects on the intersection of her queer and fat identities.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"How Coming Out Helped Me Love My Body - Dia & Co","og_description":"Vanessa Friedman, the Community Editor at Autostraddle, reflects on the intersection of her queer and fat identities.","og_url":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/","og_site_name":"Dia & Co","article_publisher":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/diaandco\/","article_published_time":"2019-06-17T15:26:04+00:00","article_modified_time":"2022-07-22T20:07:56+00:00","og_image":[{"width":786,"height":511,"url":"https:\/\/d3mnyo7e05c2kb.cloudfront.net\/blog-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/61715638_597299020763550_3012047559417083998_n-2.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Marge Hudson","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@diaandco","twitter_site":"@diaandco","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Marge Hudson","Est. reading time":"8 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/","url":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/","name":"How Coming Out Helped Me Love My Body - Dia & Co","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/d3mnyo7e05c2kb.cloudfront.net\/blog-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/61715638_597299020763550_3012047559417083998_n-2.jpg","datePublished":"2019-06-17T15:26:04+00:00","dateModified":"2022-07-22T20:07:56+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/12fa817987a28e5e481cfbdfaa4a81de"},"description":"Vanessa Friedman, the Community Editor at Autostraddle, reflects on the intersection of her queer and fat identities.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/d3mnyo7e05c2kb.cloudfront.net\/blog-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/61715638_597299020763550_3012047559417083998_n-2.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/d3mnyo7e05c2kb.cloudfront.net\/blog-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/61715638_597299020763550_3012047559417083998_n-2.jpg","width":786,"height":511},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/coming-out-self-love\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"How Coming Out Helped Me Love My Body"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/","name":"Dia & Co","description":"Dia & Co is the premier personal styling service for plus-size women. Try on clothes at home, keep what you like, return the rest to us!","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/12fa817987a28e5e481cfbdfaa4a81de","name":"Marge Hudson"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14562","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/30"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14562"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14562\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/14565"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14562"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14562"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}