{"id":19532,"date":"2020-09-18T14:48:13","date_gmt":"2020-09-18T18:48:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/?p=19532"},"modified":"2022-06-22T10:15:32","modified_gmt":"2022-06-22T14:15:32","slug":"an-ode-to-no","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/an-ode-to-no\/","title":{"rendered":"An Ode to No"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I\u2019ve said yes to things I shouldn\u2019t have…<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

I heard the short, monosyllabic word pierce the virtual meeting as the other WFH-forever humans in their tiny, rectangular boxes asked if I would be up for taking on another task. \u201cNo. I don\u2019t have the bandwidth.\u201d Silence. And not like the kind where a slow internet makes the window freeze. The surprising kind. The kind I haven\u2019t heard before. My face flushed as, I believe, that might have been the first time I\u2019ve ever accounted for my own needs over anyone else\u2019s. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve always been a people-pleaser. A soft-spoken, amicable, happy person with an undying need to be the smartest, funniest, kindest, most trusted person [in the] room; a semi-positive affliction that has made it really easy for me to gain responsibility, opportunities and reliability in any friend group, relationship, gathering and work settingI\u2019ve ever entered. But it\u2019s also the kind of personality trait that clings to overly-ambitious <\/span>yeses<\/span><\/i>, which come with being taken advantage of. As a plus-size woman, I have let friends, co-workers, strangers, partners say the most fatphobic things around me without batting an eyelash for fear of ruffling feathers or making the friend group feel awkward. I am kind to a fault with my mental and emotional health teetering the line with every favor, late night work session, or out-of-line comment. I\u2019ve said yes to things I shouldn\u2019t have, because:<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t want them to be upset with me. <\/span><\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I want to do a good job.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t want to miss an opportunity. <\/span><\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t want to lose a friend.<\/span><\/i> <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If I don\u2019t, I\u2019ll lose it all.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I, the people-pleaser, found myself less motivated to worry about anyone but myself when confronted with a pandemic.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Then COVID-19 happened. A whirlwind of resets, start overs, goodbyes, #quarantine15, eyerolls, #coronadiets, and other anxieties added on to our collective trauma. I watched memes roll in about gaining weight, losing weight, Adele\u2019s weight loss, and indoor detoxes while I checked my phone each morning for the latest update on the world outside my studio apartment in New York City. <\/span>Should we wear different masks? Gloves? Oh, an ad for shedding quarantine weight?<\/span><\/i> Even during a pandemic, thinness kept its grip on our socially-distant zeitgeist while we all found ways to cope, cry, bake, mourn and long for our other lives. And I, the people-pleaser, found myself less motivated to worry about anyone but myself when confronted with a pandemic. I couldn\u2019t hold it all up anymore. I have been conditioned to give 500% since I was a child, and it\u2019s just now I\u2019m starting to realize why.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You see, being kind, saying yes, and overachieving isn\u2019t just a nice thing I do because it makes me feel good . . . maybe it\u2019s about 70% of that. I know that as a plus-size person, my options are limited \u2014 a harsh realization that swims through my brain on a constant basis. Clothing, representation, being treated respectfully by a doctor, getting a job, a raise, a decent character on TV whose entire storyline isn\u2019t about her size is not the the norm (honestly, why can\u2019t I have a plus-size romcom where the joke isn\u2019t <\/span>this would only happen in an alternative universe?). <\/span><\/i>And now, a pandemic has changed our daily lives and we <\/span>still<\/span><\/i> can\u2019t find our way out of diet culture grips. My kindness, my concern, my ability to take on more with a straight face has also adjusted to a new normal, and it\u2019s less agreeable. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if it wasn\u2019t for the \u201cI feel fat\u201d comments from thin friends, the \u201cin order to be happy, you have to lose weight\u201d from doctors, the \u201cshe looks sloppy\u201d mentions from past co-workers referring to a plus-size candidate wearing the same trends as everyone else with a \u201990s-inspired Pinterest board, I would be privy to this added pressure of <\/span>being better<\/span><\/i> by being a chubby child with a well-intentioned family who knew how the world treats fat people. They taught me to be as perfect as I could knowing there would be obstacles I would face if I was <\/span>lazy <\/span><\/i>. . a word used to describe fat people for simply existing. There was even a moment I can vividly remember as a child where I was crying at a family function \u2014 for whatever reason a child would cry \u2014 and I heard a relative say, \u201cOhp! Better watch that. You can\u2019t be chubby and uncooperative.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, I said no. And I\u2019m going to continue to say no. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

A crystal clear message tattooed on my tiny, little psyche: If I was going to be anyone, do anything, get anywhere with this chubby body I was going to have to say yes, work harder, be amicable, and never complain. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re in a time where letting go and starting fresh feels like the only positive to come out of watching infection rates and death toll increases. I\u2019ve been running so fast for so long, walking on a high-wire of my kindness, the yeses, the fear of being dismissed for my size, that it\u2019s getting in the way of actually being happy \u2014 a consciousness that is just now hitting me in a time where all my actions, conversations, moments happen through a tiny box on the internet. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am a student of my own experience, but maybe in this new normal where we need to look harder for our happiness, it\u2019s about time I learn a new lesson. So, I said no. And I\u2019m going to continue to say no. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

No looks like a lot of things right now:<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

No, I won\u2019t work on Saturday. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

No, I can\u2019t come to your masks-on rooftop party. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

No, I don\u2019t want to get on another Zoom. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

No, I\u2019m not going to follow people on Instagram who make me feel bad. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

But yeses have been much sweeter:<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, I will wake up early and take long walks before work. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, I will paint and watch <\/span>RuPaul\u2019s DragRace <\/span><\/i>with my phone off.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, I am going to eat pasta again. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, I\u2019m going to wear the same spandex today. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, I\u2019m going to take a day for myself.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, I want to spend the weekend sitting on the stoop with my grandma even if she is 6 feet away.   <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I realize, the more I say yes to the things that <\/span>don\u2019t <\/span><\/i>matter, the less time I have on what does. And right now, all I want to do is spend time on the things that make me happy instead of forcing myself into amiability out of fear of losing it all. We have all lost something in this time. I\u2019m okay with losing all the yeses in favor of a new outlook of no.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"

Laura Delarato<\/strong><\/p><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

BIO: <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Laura Delarato is a very cool weirdo with 11 tattoos, an extensive art supply collection, and an obsession with the 90s. In her 9-5 life, <\/span>Laura is a creative director<\/span><\/a> at Vox Media working on the Vox Creative team; building some amazing branded content projects! In her 5-9 life, she spends her time writing her newsletter <\/span>1-800-HEYLAURA<\/span><\/a>, being the CEO of red lipstick, and writing her upcoming book out in 2022 for Chronicle Books. Follow her on <\/span>Instagram<\/span><\/a> where she creates content on inclusivity, personal wellness, representation, and self-love.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The answer is no.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":41,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[185],"class_list":["post-19532","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-love"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nAn Ode to No - Dia & Co<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Columnist Laura Delrato shares how she found the courage and freedom to say "no".\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/an-ode-to-no\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"An Ode to No - Dia & Co\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Columnist Laura Delrato shares how she found the courage and freedom to say "no".\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/an-ode-to-no\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Dia & Co\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/diaandco\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2020-09-18T18:48:13+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2022-06-22T14:15:32+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/d3mnyo7e05c2kb.cloudfront.net\/blog-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/craig-garner-YoadQb46v6k-unsplash_1200x630.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"630\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Laura Delarato\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@diaandco\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@diaandco\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Laura Delarato\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/an-ode-to-no\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/an-ode-to-no\/\",\"name\":\"An Ode to No - Dia & Co\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/an-ode-to-no\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/an-ode-to-no\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/gutenberg-blog-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/headshot_400x520.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2020-09-18T18:48:13+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-06-22T14:15:32+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/e74fa34e23f87cea7daab6dfafd45f79\"},\"description\":\"Columnist Laura Delrato shares how she found the courage and freedom to say \\\"no\\\".\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/an-ode-to-no\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/an-ode-to-no\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/an-ode-to-no\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/gutenberg-blog-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/headshot_400x520.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/gutenberg-blog-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/headshot_400x520.jpg\"},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/love\/an-ode-to-no\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"An Ode to No\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.dia.com\/blog\/\",\"name\":\"Dia & Co\",\"description\":\"Dia & Co is the premier personal styling service for plus-size women. 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