How Style Helped Me Find My True Self

At Dia&Co, we believe that style is much more than the clothes you wear—style is a form of self-expression. It’s a way that we show the world who we are. The Dia Community is a diverse group of women of all backgrounds, but we are united by our journeys of self-expression through style—and in our support for each other along the way.

Many of our community members have powerful stories to tell about how style has helped them to express their true selves. Today, we’re sharing the inspirational story of one of the many incredible women we style. After decades of feeling like she couldn’t live as the woman she was inside, Gianna came to Dia&Co in search of a safe space to explore her identity through fashion. She never imagined she’d discover a new support system in the process.

This post comes with a trigger warning: In order to tell a complete story, there are brief mentions of suicidal thoughts and attempts.

I always felt like a girl. I also knew that I wasn’t allowed to think that way. That I was born ‘male.’

I grew up in a town called Bristol, Tennessee—famous for country music and Nascar. My mom and dad were both super young when I was born, so I was raised with a lot of help from my grandparents. My sister was born the year after I was. We fought all the time, mostly over dolls and who got to play the best Spice Girl. I was around seven or eight years old when I first started to notice that I wasn’t like the rest of the boys. I loved trying on my mom’s clothes, imagining life as a princess, and wearing makeup. But I knew that I wasn’t allowed to think that way—that I was born “male.” Throughout my childhood, I was bullied a lot for being “feminine,” but I hadn’t yet heard the word “transgender.” At 17, I ended up coming out as gay. My parents were not happy at first, but, eventually, they came to terms with it.

At the age of 19, I finally knew that I was transgender. That I was a woman.

Not being able to live as my true self had a huge effect on my mental health—I felt suicidal and attempted it several times from the age of 12 and on. After I came out as gay, I still didn’t feel like I was being who I truly was. At 19, I finally knew that I was transgender—that I was a woman. I tried to find a therapist who would work with me, but living in a small town in Tennessee, it was impossible. I got into the first of a series of toxic relationships. During this time, I couldn’t hold a job. I was too focused on drinking and trying to hide who I was. I finally landed a job when I was 27, working customer service at a bank. I swore it was going to change me. I moved out of my grandparents’ house and got my own place—I wanted to learn to make it on my own because I was scared of what would happen after I came out. I quit drinking every day and worked 12- to 14-hour days to keep myself busy. During this time, I spoke to no one about how I felt because I was terrified. I wasn’t being true and honest with anyone, not even myself.

At 30, two years after I started working with adults who have intellectual disabilities, I came out to my boss as transgender. I was a nervous wreck, but she was the most supportive person ever. She still is to this day. Then, in April of this year, I started dating this guy who opened up a whole new world for me. He was trans and I was able to confide in him. Though the relationship was toxic, he taught me how to be myself. For three months during our relationship, I searched for a therapist—then found the greatest therapist in the world. My boyfriend left me the week before my first therapy session and I almost took my life. I reached out to my therapist and she helped me not give up.

I finally came out publicly on Facebook in May of this year, then started living as Gianna full time in July, at age 30. I started hormone replacement therapy on September 27th. Since coming out on Facebook, my mother and father have both been supportive, but we haven’t seen each other. They’ll be at my place on Thanksgiving, hopefully. Though my grandparents also haven’t seen me, they know about my transition. From remarks I’ve heard, I know they’re not accepting. Maybe, one day, we can have that conversation. I love my family, but the fear of not being accepted keeps me away.

Now I can prance around my house in a dress and feel like her—feel like Gianna.

For me, finding my style and who I wanted to present myself as was pretty much everything to me. I came across Dia&Co very early on in my transition. I had no “female” clothes. I heard about it and thought, “Why not give it a try?” The idea of going into a store and being seen as a man trying on women’s clothing was intimidating. It was scary to have people stare at you, or know that they were talking about you. Dia&Co took me in as a woman. They send me amazing clothes that I can try on at home, instead of having to worry about people talking about me or making fun of me. Now I can prance around my house in a dress and feel like her—feel like Gianna.

Beyond the clothes, the Dia&Co National Community Facebook group is amazing. Every single woman on there has taken me under her wing and welcomed me as the woman I am. The love I have received has been overwhelming. I still catch myself teary-eyed from all the love these ladies have given me. They truly have helped me build confidence in myself.

It’s hard to explain what it feels like to wake up and see myself living as Gianna in the mirror. My dysphoria with certain areas of my body still gets the best of me some days. I have times when I can’t even remove my clothes because it disgusts me. But it’s getting better every day. I had never experienced self-love before, but I’m starting to fall in love with the person looking back at me in the mirror. When I’m all dolled up and look like her, it’s overwhelming. Realizing that I’m finally who I’m meant to be is a relief after so many years of hiding her.

People say that I’m so “brave” or “courageous,” but I don’t feel it. I just feel as though I couldn’t continue living a lie. I hope that my coming out and my openness shed a new light on people who may have never experienced a trans person before. I hope it gives them a new outlook on life, one that helps them learn to find acceptance. We as trans people are so hard on ourselves as it is—we don’t need the rest of the world to bully us. Some days, I can’t even walk outside without someone calling me an “it” or “she-male,” but at the same time, I forgive those people because they just haven’t learned yet. I hope, in the future, that people will start to come together in fighting the great fight of acceptance. Not just with trans people, but with all different sorts of people. We are all human. We are all worthy of love.

If you or someone you know is suicidal or in emotional distress, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, available 24 hours a day at 1-800-273-8255. You can also contact the Trans Lifeline, which is run by transgender volunteers to support the transgender community, at 877-565-8860.

Gianna shared her story with the Dia Community as part of Transgender Awareness Week—an annual observance dedicated to raising the visibility of transgender people and shedding a light on the unique issues they face. If you’re interested in sharing your own style journey story, please reach out at community@dia.com.